Dear Terruｓ,

Dear "Candy's friends" of the world

I decided to close BBS on my website. But I hate to use the word SAYONARA, Goodbye to you. I've got to know you are interested in Candy Candy novels I wrote in 70's through BBS. This is the letter to Terry from Candy. She wrote it after her return to Pony's Home, but she never mailed it. This letter is from the 3rd novel.

Cotton Candy was kind enough to translate it in English for me. I hope you will enjoy it and the Candy world.

Kyoko Mizuki

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THE LETTER NEVER MAILED

Dear Terruｓ,

I've just read the article on your Hamlet, which said it received favorable reviews. I'm really delighted to hear that. Congratulations on your success!

I had believed the day must come once again sometime.
As if I were there, I could hear thunderous applause towers you, which wouldn't stop. And I could see you were in a white costume and replying curtain call many times with a smile.
Sister Pony and Sister Lane said you are the best Hamlet they have ever seen in entire of their life. They were fascinated to see your picture in the paper, and they were bubbling over just like young girls.

Well, Terry, you have visited Pony's Home once before, haven't you?
At that time, I was also on the way back to Pony's home.
Time goes by mercilessly. If I had made pause time just a short period, I could have seen you here.
Was Pony's Hill as same as you have imagined? It looked like a little Pony's Hill, didn't it?
I can just picture you standing alone on Pony's Hill when you came here on powder-snowing day, even though I wasn't there.

I was back to the US running after you, and then I was studying to be a nurse, while I was dreaming to see you again sometime.

"I have something to do that I really want"
You said so when you had left St. Paul Academy. I wanted you to see myself how I had gone through my life on my foot.

I had believed that I would see you again sometime.

I was so happy when I found your article in the corner of paper first time.

Terrus Graham-----

I found out that G of Terrus G Grantchester meant Graham when I saw it. I had thought G meant as Gorilla! I heard that your mother, Eleanor Baker named you Graham!
I was so moved to know you had left away the name of Grantchester when you had left England. I felt your determination from this story.

By the way, Broadway people really had an eye for discovering talented a new actor. They found out your talent immediately.

Every time I saw your news, I used to think I had to hang in there like you.

You would never imagine how happy I was to know you came to Chicago for one day performance with Stratford Company.
You hadn't known I was in the US at that time, I had thought I would give you a big surprise to appear suddenly.

Unfortunately, the performance was allowed to see by only invited guests. There was no reason why I could be invited because I was just a nurse. When I almost gave up my hope, Archie and Stair got a ticket for me, which was really lucky.

However, it was not my day.
I was on night shift, and nobody would take my place on that day for me. But I really had to see your performance, and I sneaked out of my work for the theater. As you know, I'm good at sneaking out. But I had a responsibility to work at the hospital, not like at the Academy. Later that night, I was scolded severely by Frannie who was my senior at nurses' training school.
I was disappointed that I couldn't see your performance from the seat after all because of Eliza's disturbing.
However, I just saw you from a backstage. You were really marvelous as King of France --- they should have put the title King of France instead of King Lear, that's what I thought.

I listened to your clear and carrying voice on the stage. And I saw your refined behavior under the spotlight. You hazily reflected in my eyes with tears.
Your popularity was terrific. I was so amazed to see you were crowded around with girls at that time. I cried "Terry!" at the top of my voice, but it was drowned out vainly.

While I was jostled by the crowd of onlookers, I was looking at you and Susanna getting on the carriage.
As I look back on it now, I think that might have been preview for our future separation.
We had pass and missed each other all the time, like at Pony's home, at the theater and also the hotel in Chicago.
When I visited the hotel where you stayed, Terry, you were waiting for me back in front of the hospital, weren't you?
Oh, I wish I had known it earlier. While you were there, I was sent away from the hotel by Susanna, and I was deep grief not seeing you there and wandering alone around the street absent-mindedly till dawning.

I was muttering to myself over and over, "Terry, I'm just wondering you might have forgotten about me already? ...No, it cannot be so."

Stair told me later, you were at the reception after the performance, which was hold by the Mayor of Chicago, and you heard from him I was back in the US. You must have been surprised to hear that. I just wanted to see your surprised look, but I was not there and I missed it.
I was so delighted to hear from him that you had left the reception immediately without caring about other guests who tried to talk with you right after you had known I was in Chicago.
Oh really, we had many chance to meet and plenty of time in that night if we were lucky enough.
But finally I was really happy to see you only one glance and to know you were doing well.
Right after I got your message from gatekeeper the next day at the noon, I rushed into station. When I arrived there, the train had already left. Then I run toward to the ranch because I thought I just wanted to see only the train you were supposed to be on board.
I found you standing on the deck.
Our eyes met just for an instant. That's all... but I was happy enough.
Our sweet memories go on and on, Terry.
If I had known all this happened, I would have written more letters to you. I wish I could have gotten your letters often. But it's too late, right?

After our short reunion, I went to NY. I didn't expected at all it was going to be a farewell journey for you and me.
When I received a ticket of Romeo and Juliet and one way ticket to ride from you, I thought my long waiting to see you had been rewarded by these great gifts finally.
Oh, yes, I had been waiting for that day to come, counting the days on my fingers.

Above all, we had a special memory with this play, Romeo and Juliet. I'm so surprised that you really played Romeo.
When I could see you again in NY, it was the happiest moment in my life because we hadn't seen each other such a long time. I still keep that emotion to myself.

At that time, I was anxious to find you were depressing sometimes. But I was too happy to care about it

Now I know you had been distressed about Susanna all the time. I'm so sorry I had nothing to do for you during you were in trouble. Now I'm so sad about it.
I can say Susanna's accident was not your fault, but it was real that she had taken you under her wings. It was true that she had sacrificed herself in place of you.
When I knew Susanna's deepest thought on you, I had already decided to say goodbye to you, Terry.

I couldn't stand to see you were distressed any longer. Above all things, we wouldn't be able to get along together happily while Susanna was left alone in the depth of despair like that.
When I said goodbye to you, you said giving me a squeeze on my back, "Be happy or else I won't forgive you".
Thank you, Terry. I'm so happy now.
I have always lots of friends who care about me so much. Above all, I still have sweet good memories in my heart that we had shared all the time. I will never forget your warm chest on my back for the rest of my life.

The other hand, Terry, you hadn't been happy since we broke up. You had been so distressed that you could hardly devote yourself to act, and then you had to leave the company... You were such a fool, Terry.
And more than that, I had been stupid because I could only care about my grief, I was so selfish.
I think it was divine guidance for me to find you by chance at a playhouse of a company on the road, which was on a winter day.
You were acting drunkenly and reeling.

I was almost jumping on the stage in front of you, and punching on your chest to shout "Get hold of yourself!" I wanted to do that for you.
Terry, could you hear my voice in my mind at that time?

You had become hot-blooded at a certain moment in the middle of the play. And you looked like completely different person who was acting vigorously. I couldn't hold back the tears with emotion which was hard to describe.

"It IS you. YOU ARE TERRY." I was murmuring to myself in my mind.

Did you find to know your mother was in the audience, at that time? Later that, Eleanor Baker, your mother called to me stealthily. She said she had canceled her work on a movie to follow after you in secret.

She was kind enough to send me an invitation ticket for Hamlet, the other day. However, I sent it her back.

I don't have the courage to see your performance in Broadway yet.

Terry, I'm back in Pony's home and working as a nurse there.

There are so many things have happened since we broke up.

A funny guy, Stair volunteered for the air force in France and passed away in the War.

I'm so sorrow to lose my dearest people one by one, just like a Nursery Rhyme, Ten Little Indians, but only Albert is always with me.

Terry, guess what! He is the one who is my adoptive father, Uncle William.

We have been neatly taken in.

Say, do you think Albert would rather be an actor?

Oh dear! I'm just surprised to see those sheets of letter paper I've written. I'm wondering why I wrote such a long letter I'm not going to send to you, never send.

Your article on success of Hamlet might make me excite, I guess.

It's almost sunset time. I can hear the bells are ringing from church echoed through mountains.

Terry, please take care of Susanna very well.

I read the article on her interview when you came back to Broadway from a company on the road after your long disappearance.

"Miss Susanna, have you been anxious that Terrus had left you and disappeared?"

"No, I haven't. Because I always trust him whatever he does."

When I read the interview, tears rolled down my cheeks. I think Susanna Marlowe is such a sweet person. So are you, Terry.

At that time, you've chosen not me but Susanna after thinking it over painfully. I still like the way you are.

Terry, it's so far away from here to Broadway, but I hope you to remember that I'm always your devoted fan in the countryside of the US.

Please keep in your mind I always give you a big hand when you are on the stage.

Freckled Tarzan

PS: I loved you.

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Candy Candy Novels

First published in Japan in 1979